Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness? Artemus Ward

• funny
• nonsense

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers

• politics
• funny

This is the source.

Dear Sirs, I guess your pianos are the best I ever leaned against. Yours truly, Will Rogers. Will Rogers

• funny
• advertising

This is the context.

This is the source.

My Dear President:

Will you kindly find out for me through our Intelligence Department who is the fellow that said a big boat didn't rock. Hold him till I return.

Yours feeble but still devotedly,

WILLROG

That's code name for Will Rogers Will Rogers

• funny

This is the context.

This is the source.

What makes you think I'd be happy about that? Ronald Wilson Reagan

• government
• funny

This is the context.

Government is like a baby - an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Wilson Reagan

• government
• funny
• taxes

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. Hal Abelson

• funny

This is the context.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

• stupidity
• funny

When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great. Golda Meir

• funny
• humility

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand. Sir Edward Appleton

• art
• funny

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain

• funny

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Wilson Reagan

• President
• funny

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. Mark Twain

• funny
• language

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. Henry Kissinger

• politics
• politicians
• funny

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain

• politics
• politicians
• funny
• Congress

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Timothy Leary

• funny

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Dan Quayle

• funny

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. Dan Quayle

• funny

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. Dan Quayle

• funny

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. Larry Hardiman

• politics
• politicians
• funny

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright

• funny

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain

• words
• funny
• prayer

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Wendell Johnson

• funny

I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player. John Kruk

• sports
• funny

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things. Dorothy Parker

• words
• funny
• quotations

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

• funny
• bragging

Flattery is like cologne water - to be smelt of, not swallowed. Josh Billings

• funny
• praise

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. If you chat with him a while, gradually building up the argument and the intonation, he relishes it so that he will roll all around the floor, lie on his back kicking and groaning with joyous worship. Very few wives are so affected. Christopher Morley

• funny
• wife
• conversation

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry

• argument
• funny
• people skills

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. David Comins

• funny
• quotations

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. Warren Buffett

• funny

If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

• funny

This is the context.

What if there were no hypothetical situations? John Mendoza

• funny

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense
• imitation

It gets late early out there. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

Ninety percent of this game is half mental. Yogi Berra

• sports
• funny
• nonsense

I really didn't say everything I said. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

We made too many wrong mistakes. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

Pair up in threes. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

The future ain't what it used to be. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

It's deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra

• funny
• nonsense

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg

• funny

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

• funny

Welcome to The Lou Holtz Show. Unfortunately, I'm Lou Holtz. Lou Holtz

• funny

This is the context.

A hypocrite is somebody who complains about sex, nudity, and violence on the VCR. Lou Holtz

• funny

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

• funny
• exercise

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. Kin Hubbard

• funny
• children

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

• marriage
• funny
• advice

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. Will Rogers

• funny

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag. Jay Leno

• funny
• taxes

As a general rule, wherever you find a large group of people who are baffled by complexity, you will find a smaller group of people making a good living screwing them. Scott Adams

• funny

We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority. George W. Bush

• funny
• nonsense

The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves. George W. Bush

• funny
• nonsense

I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it. George W. Bush

• funny
• nonsense

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself. George W. Bush

• funny
• nonsense

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. Paula Poundstone

• purpose
• funny

Samson killed a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass. That many sales are killed every day with the same weapon. Anonymous

• funny
• sales

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. Franklin P. Jones

• patience
• funny
• children

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. Will Rogers

• death
• funny
• taxes

Why was I born with such contemporaries? Oscar Wilde

• funny

When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. Scott Adams

• funny
• advice

A man who tries to carry a cat home by its tail will learn a lesson that can be learned in no other way. Mark Twain

• funny

I'm right, and you're smart, and sooner or later you'll see I'm right. Charlie Munger

• funny

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Scott Adams

• funny

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Steve Landesberg

• honesty
• funny

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. H. L. Mencken

• marriage
• funny
• wife

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. Will Rogers

• politicians
• funny

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Robert McCloskey

• funny

Our choice of clothes can influence how people treat us. That's a view that every living human agrees upon. Most of us act upon that belief once or twice a day. When I get dressed, the first two questions I ask myself are 1) "Who is going to see me?" and 2) "What do I want them to think of me?" You probably do the same thing. If not, there's something deeply wrong with you, or possibly you're an engineer. Scott Adams

• funny
• fashion
• appearance

This is the source.

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. George Carlin

• stupidity
• funny

When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they? Bob Monkhouse

• funny
• nonsense

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. Emo Phillips

• funny